So… I’m sitting in my car and I’m realizing there are a lot of things that I need to get off my chest. Not in a way of inviting confrontation but I need to have open authentic release of everything inside me that has been held onto, has been repressed, hidden, that still hurts. Everything that has been left unspoken that has been left unheard or ignored, need a blunt release of all that and it’s time to do that. So as of now, I’m making routine of meditation in order to clear my thoughts and to clear my heart but also to be mindful of all the emotional triggers and memories that arise…. because I see a lot of things coming up right now and it’s like there’s so much coming up at once. As I’ve become more self-aware, it’s overwhelming and feels almost impossible to process it all. There’s just such a large quantity of repressed and hidden pain and codependent, unexpressed emotion from childhood that affects connection now. We think we know where all our strife and problematic habits and behaviors come from when we look back on relationships and situations, but honestly it is far beyond one relationship, significant it otherwise. We have childhood environments where pain, conflict, or perversity are normalized and we come face to face with what we’ve longed for; stability, affection and accountability or even just stability within self and its so unrecognizable to us that we sabotage it looking for the hidden stick pin under our seat cushions.
Beginning to trust myself again is the first step toward healing. Knowing that I can be content in my own company and that I am reflecting love to myself first and letting it touch others removes doubt in self. Setting boundaries based on knew knowledge going forward and my purest intuition and intention makes it easy to let go of what doesn’t feel good to me knowing that I put forth my truth as purely as I felt it and that what’s meant for me won’t miss me. There have been so many moments when I have given up because I couldn’t trust in myself when all I truly needed was a moment of honest contemplation and a modicum of self respect and the willingness to openly communicate. Lately I’ve been trying to present that open part of myself to people and learning a new lesson. Some times people simply do not have the capacity to carry the full weight of you. Accept it without internalizing it and move on in peace.