I’m aware I really miss what I thought I saw. I invested in an illusion born of impatience, projected my desires onto someone w/similar issues to mine instead of becoming the person I truly desire to attract and accepting that energy when it presented itself… I failed in that too. It wasn’t yet my energy to reflect. Certainly I hadn’t taken responsibility to become what I demanded. I jumped quickly into requests for intimacy, failing to set boundaries, clarify intentions, speak on expectations. When red flags appeared I continued giving benefits and effort instead of asking questions, verbalizing perceptions, self respecting enough to separate from situations and people that make me feel unworthy or without value.
Passive aggression as a reflex, I allowed habit to consume me many times throughout this exchange. I reflect that I was always immediately aware of my reactions and made moves to rectify by speaking out or changing my behavior. But I was triggered nonetheless, living the connection unconsciously, accepting less than I wanted because I could not accept having truly been offered nothing.
I allowed a man’s unwillingness to see and share to make me feel as if I was undeserving of the depth of connection and commitment I require to feel secure.