Journal: Newness Pending

I spent the morning lounging around, then getting coffee @Starbucks while copying notes and such from one planner to another because it made me feel as if I was being productive while actually accomplishing nothing. Now, I’m in the library about to do some tarot study for the 1st Leo New Moon.  I’m going to try to do 6 readings tonight, 6 tomorrow since I’ve procrastinated, but my determination and confidence still stand, even while my energy was a little bit zapped during the week.

I’m still at a crossroads as to what to do about ‘Loml’ whether I should try to initiate an open conversation or leave it as is. I can stand being ex-communicated for my actual fuck ups, but a blatant misinterpretation of my intentions and desires still bothers me 3-4 years later 😦 because I know were I not misinterpreted, the separation probably wouldn’t have been as it is.  I can’t say that a reconciliation is my top priority rather than releasing the hurt that comes from misunderstanding and miscommunication.

My emotional spending and misuse of resources continues to plague me daily.  My spiritual direction is becoming more clear as I work on healing myself emotionally, but there are still moments when I use money as a band-aid when the going gets touch.  I’ve made plans to visit a friend in Pittsburgh and I’m really excited just to be around someone who seems to understand me at least a little. I can’t say I want anything emotional from this person anymore although I considered it when we initially befriended one another.  The current emotional dynamic and compatibility in expression leaves much to be desired. Pridefulness is like a teeter-totter between us, although there was once a spark of romantic chemistry, that feeling is something I can no longer readily access. Sexually I’m curious, but I’m not even motivated to pursue that route as much as the emotional bond that can be solidified from the perspective of friendship.

I’m using moon-phase rituals to build discipline as I continue to study and explore different avenues for spiritual expansion and personal growth.  It’s allowing me to gain more discipline in my day to day routines as well as to remain balanced even during situations that are unstable. Every action I take increases the motivation I have to take another and then another step forward.  My confidence grows as I recognize on a experiential level (rather than intellectual) the power of my own effort and intention to create my reality.  My enthusiasm for a full life has returned and I’m internally rejecting the idea that I expect to much out of life.

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