I am not at all unclear about my failings in the visit to Pittsburgh, but aI almost feel it’s for the best and it certainly taught me much about myself. I didn’t embody or act on my own intentions to communicate openly and confidently what I did or didn’t want or expect. A part of that was assuming I understood the meaning behind the demeanor I was encountering rather than asking. The truth is that I tried to force a feeling that had long since faded away and that the connection couldn’t possibly be more than it has become to date. I am however proud of myself because in a few small ways, I put myself out there much more than I normally would. I simply did it with the wrong person, someone looking for another to fill a void they’d refused to work on for themselves.
In the future, I’m going to continue being patient with myself re:communicating my perceptions, intentions, needs and feelings. I failed to speak out when I realized there was a misunderstanding. It was a pretty long distance I rode only to come face to face with myself throughout the course of the weekend. But I also made a series of conclusions and decisions that will certainly propel me toward something more fitting in the future. Practicing discernment saved me a useless twat mile LMAO. I know good a well that I don’t want sexual relation without emotional communion and shared goals (i.e., commitment).
It brought out another idea too. That sometimes in reaction to bad choices in the past we make a different choice and cling to the outcome without regard for whether or not that new choice or change is an improvement or just an alteration to the the past. He’s certainly not like anyone else I’ve called myself seriously interested in, but in all honestly the things that drew me to those people and indeed to this friend were not without reason, and rather than foregoing one ideal for the other, I need to seek a compromise or someone who is able to embody the most important parts.
Taking time to reflect on the reasons I’m interested in anyone certainly puts into perspective what I want, need, and cannot compromise on. I’m not giving any active energy to the past or to this person from this point out. What each man had in common is an inability to discern my true value in a way that made me feel seen and respected. It’s a repeat lesson with a different face.
Journaling lately has really given me a different type of release than it did before as I set my intention to voice events AND the perceptions behind them. It’s allowing me release and clarity to focus on these parts of myself in tandem. In reaction to all this, I missed a couple of days work feeling sorry for myself (and more than a little exhausted since transportation didn’t go according to the original plan) but I came out with stronger boundaries and necessary clarity of needs and intentions.