‘Rolling in the Deep’

So a ‘friend’ essentially stopped talking out of the blue without an explanation after being kind of testy beforehand.  I asked for an explanation repeatedly and was ignored and when the person finally decided they wanted to communicate, addressing the maltreatment wasn’t on their agenda. So now, there is no communication. Frankly, I don’t expect this sort of maladaptive response to processing his emotions is going to change nor do I expect that this person will accept responsibility for the way this affects others, so I’m cool with not talking.  Some people prefer people who disregard them until thaat’s no longer palatable and I simply refuse to engage people who shut me out or gloss over the obvious at this point. My boundaries still need work, but that’s one place I long ago stopped engaging.

I was accused of subbing, which at this point is essentially unlikely because I don’t have any feelings for this ‘friend’ and I was still in my feelings over “Lord Voldy” reaching out to me without addressing his bad treatment. I literally don’t feel at all distraught because I tried for open communication, vulnerability, acceptance of differences and all of the things I generally struggle with I attempted regularly to engage this person in and they continually refused any discussion beyond bitterness and surface topics. Righteous indignation is about where I’m at with that.

Discernment is kicking in more clearly and I realize it doesn’t just apply to potential mates, but also to friendships, familial connections and any interaction with someone I have to see on a (semi) regular basis.  My confidence is growing back to a healthy level and I no longer feel guilt acting or speaking on what doesn’t feel right for me regardless of the learning curve re:expression. (I had to apologize for my delivery when I finally did express how I was feeling about the situation, but I am glad I spoke up where i normally would just take it and simmer.)  I’m willing now to risk fucking it up vs silent suffering. That means I’ve come a mighty long way.

Regular journaling has allowed me to clarify my focus and priorities and also to reclaim my sense of power. The depth of this ongoing transformation is only now dawning on me because it’s so evident in my behavior and my willingness to face my shortcomings and contribution to unpleasant interactions without accepting all responsibility for other people’s issues. Also, acknowledging those fuck ups to others and not just on paper, therefore taking accountability for my own experience is something I’m proud of myself for doing.

I’m looking to connect deeply. Shared efforts toward stability and deep healing. People who motivate growth in positive ways and understand what it means to invest. Because I’m learning what that means. Getting clear on what I want and where I am able to meet someone half way and where I”m not allows me to focus my healing and growth efforts and also allows me to set more fitting boundaries every time my perception of a person or situation is confirmed. It’s become much easier to let go of past mistakes because I’ved learned great lessons that support the necessity of those experiences and I realize that they set me up for more fulfilling ones in the future.

I’ve come to the conclusion that trauma healing, personal growth and sustainable living will be the focus of my group home education.  There are a few things I need to learn more about in order to make this feasible for myself, but I’m more faithful that I can do it and so I’m determined to put forth effort. As long as I act on my passion, stay focused and disciplined with self-awareness and integrity the attention will be fitting and positive and like-minded folks will present themselves.

That tarot reading I got from Aquarius Bookstore has me wondering if you bring forth the results due to belief or do you just knowingly accept/reject the energies presented?  I guess it’s more about my perception and attitudes resulting from that that create the outcome. “It all begins in the mind.”  Essentially, I am “The Fool” in life, working from the beginning of a new cycle. Starting from scratch even to fearlessly face the unknown and build a stronger foundation socially, financially, spiritually, and emotionally.  Fulfillment in all areas of the life is the end goal.  Tryna give myself “The World” 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s