My Life, the Hashtag

Today, I’m in a better mood although my childhood friend and Instagram both implied (rather similarly) that I’ve got nothing to lose in reaching out to LOML in an attempt to clarify the issues that led to our falling out. I believe my fuck-ups and the perceptions of them were not really in line although I can certainly admit responsibility for our disconnect. I’m simply going to quote the IG because it kind of stung in a triggering way and reminded me of the underlying truth of the issue between he and I.

That’s great if you love me and miss me, but when you don’t do anything about it the message that you send is that your fears are too great for you to choose me, and that vulnerability and intimacy cannot be prioritized. When fear rules a person’s life, there isn’t much we can do. all the words in the world won’t change that fear is running the ship and keeping them/us from being present, moving through shame and experiencing great connective love.
[…] It’s easy to lose track and abandon honoring ourselves and others in that space. Have compassion for the part that can so easily sway with the wind and also for the part that is still required to honor oneself. Take time to understand your fears. dig into them so that your life can be led by love instead of the other way around. Don’t keep missing out on love. And don’t keep missing out on honoring your boundaries. Do something about it.

If I’m honest with myself my attempts to reach out right after the fallout were unsatisfactory, full of victim ideologies and implied but unspoken blame. I haven’t in the last couple of years made another attempt because I felt no resolution or reconciliation was possible in the light of the lack of response. However, after time and reflection on how and why I had such strong fear, I realize my sincerity at that point was inauthentically expressed because of the fear itself and had grown to overpower the intuition that I could be safe AND make this person feel safe also, which is where my fears were stemming from. Reaching out now would yield unexpected results either way because the silence would belie the feeling our desire was mutual despite the pain and his responding would contradict my understanding of his boundaries and tolerance level. I’m gonna just do it and accept that it may or may not work out

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